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What happens, in order, and what has changed
A Japanese funeral usually runs over two evenings. The 通夜 comes first, informal enough that work clothes are forgiven if you came straight from the office, and then the 葬儀 and 告別式 the next day, which is the formal one. A colleague at one remove — your manager's parent — normally attends one, not both, and the 通夜 is the easier choice. You wear black: a plain dark suit, a black tie, nothing that shines, and no watch or jewelry you would notice. At the door you sign the 記帳, hand over the envelope with both hands and say the one sentence. Inside, when your row is called, you go up for 焼香 — a pinch of incense to the forehead and into the burner, usually three times, though some sects do it once and copying the person ahead of you is always safe — then 合掌, a bow to the family, and back to your seat. Weeks later a 香典返し will arrive at your home, a return gift of roughly half what you gave, which is why the amount is a convention rather than a gesture. Two things have changed in a generation. Nearly all Japanese funerals are Buddhist whatever the family believes, and the 戒名 the priest gives is paid for, sometimes substantially — a fact that is discussed openly and resented quietly. And the large funeral is no longer the norm: 家族葬, attended by family and a handful of others, has become the common choice, partly on cost and partly because the people who would have filled a hall are no longer there to fill it.